i wish you could understand, i wish you would realize the truth, you are my Only, you will forever be my Only, it scares me, when i wake up and you not there, when you say your leaving, when your gone for too long, it hurts me, when you dont believe me, when you dont kiss me, when you dont hold me, i have nothing to hide, i love Only you, i think Only of you, i have Everything to lose, you are my home, you are my protector, my companion, my Love, my soul's match, my life's center, my Everything, my Only One, Every vow i have ever made you, i hold True. i have nothing to hide, not from you, see me as i am

Been awhile since I last chatted. Wish I could say a lots changed, however, a lot has not changed. I got a new job at the gummy bear factory. Now, gummy bears and any candy for that matter, make me sick. I work night shift so most of the day I sleep away. Have I told you that my boyfriend and I moved out of his parents' home into our very own home? Well, we did and so did my boyfirend's best friend until about a month ago. He didn't want to pay his part of the rent, so my bf kicked him to the curve. I still feel like maybe I had done something to make him leave and i'm more of the reason for him not staying, than what my bf say I am. Maybe i'm too controlling. Maybe it's because I fought a lot with my boyfriend and his friend got tired of it. Who knows? Today, he came and got the rest of his stuff.

I'm still in college. My first semiester I failed. I dropped one class, didn't show up for finals for another class, flunked in the other class and managed to pass the last class. I got put on academic parol, plus they took away my fiancial aid, but gave it back after I wrote an appeal. Two class are all that i'm allowed to take. If I even flunk one, I will never get my fianical aid again.

My boyfriend and I's anniversary is coming up in the next few days. 8 months. I know that's nothing compared to 20 years together but in this day and age every month counts. It's hard staying together. I charish every moment, even the arugments we have. By definition, an arugment simply means working together to come to a complete understanding or truth. It's weird because as a child, I believed that an argument meant fighting. I believed that in order to be aruging you had to be beat-red faced, screaming at each other over moot points. Now, I know. I know how to work together. Sometimes it requires me to let things go. Even though it maybe extremely hard and even in those times where I know I am right, sometimes letting go is all you can do. Sometimes its requires me to make a stand and hope that it's the right thing to do. Sometimes I don't have to do anything at all. I just sit back and wait. I wait for the understanding and usually it comes. We've gotten better at what some would call a game, but it's not a game. It's a War. And it's a Peace. And each day we survive the War we grow closer to Peace.

Four months. wow, never dreamed that I'd be with someone I truely love for this long, but every day it gets harder and harder to be with him. I dont know whats wrong with me, I just know something is. When he's gone. I'm upset. It's hard to focus. My mind keeps wondering where he is, what he's doing, and who's he with. I trust him to be faithful, but even though I trust him, thoughts and ideas get into my head. It always has, but lately it's gotten worser. With all that's going on in my life, I've become distressed when he's not here.

I feel like the old me is dying, leaving a bitter bitch. I dont know myself any more. I don't trust myself to be with him. I know i'll blow it somehow. He doesn't need to be around me. He doesn't need someone like me in his life. I bring more problems to him than I solve. The pressure he's under right now... the pressure to get a job... to go back to school... to actually make something of himself.... the hurt I cause him... when he's with he's family and they accuse him of "doing something wrong" to me... or just not being a "good boyfriend". I hate it. I hate how I make him feel because I know it's not love.

I don't know what to do. Something has to give....

It's been almost a month since the almost end of my relationship with my boyfriend. Things have gone back to normal. but every once in a while I still wonder how I should feel or if I should trust him. Sometimes I feel it. That he feels some type of adoration for me, but at other times, I feel that he despises being with me, me around him. And in a way I feel more like he's just friend, rather than me being he's girlfriend.

I know that a lot of this has to do with me having been hurt by the bullshit lies he tried to tell me the when we were in arguement over whether we should be together. He told me that there was no one else. He wasn't breaking up with me to be with someone else, but if that was the case then how did kat, one of he's ex's, get brought into the arguement.

Another part of the reason that I feel the way I do is because when compared to he's ex-girlfriends who were both skinnier and prettier than me, I feel that i'm the ugly one. The bare girl who is overweight, who is struggling to stay under that live that divides the overweight from the obese, who doesn't waste her time with make-up because she know it won't matter; I'm that girl. If everytime that he had said, " I Love You," and had really meant it, then I wonder what he could posibly see in me. In my eyes, my love will never be enough for him. I will never be the ONE or the ONLY no matter how much I want him to be my ONE and my ONLY.

I can only hope that he learned the first time and that there won't be a next time. I can only pray that these feelings of betrayal will go away, these feeling that i'm being used, that im not the only girl he sleeps with or kisses, or whispers of love to, I can only prey that in time he will have earned back my trust honestly and that I wont have to worry about my heart being torn from my cheast and beaten to a pulp again.

 

but what the future truely holds can only be told in time.....

In slow motion, I watched the SUV roll into the ditch, landing nose first on it's roof. I could hear a ticking as the seconds past by or maybe it wasn't the sound of time as it pasted but the sound of my heartbeat as it raced. I couldn't breathe. My hearing had faded. I couldn't commprehend what my aunt was trying to tell me. I pulled off the road into the gas station and got out of the car, not believing what was happening. It was too much for me.

No one was hurt or injuried in the accident. They told me that a ticket for failure to stop at a stop sign would be sent to me in the mail. We were cleared to leave and soon after we headed home. A friend of my cousin came and escorted us back to my aunt's home. I immediately called my boyfriend. He drove to come and pick me up, to take me back to his house. I was still shaking when he held me outside of the gas station where we met.

That night, I decided that I was going to move in with my boyfriend. The next day we went back and picked up all my belongings and my car and drove it all back to his house. I told both of my employers that I was moving and that I would be leaving. I worked at the pool for another week or so before they fired me. I had called in and missed sunday cuz I didn't have a ride. Monday, I had told them a month ahead that I couldn't work because I had a doctors appointment that I couldn't miss. On tuesday, they called me and told me not to bother coming into work. The week after I quit my other job.

Two months went by. I still didn't have a job. On my boyfriend and I's second anniversery, my boyfriend attemped to break up with me. He's excuse was that I was "too good for him". I had a future and he didn't. I was smart and he wasn't. I would only be held back and he would be the reason why. I was crushed. He started hanging out late at night and not coming home so I left to go to my friends. My boyfriends mom did her best to comfort me but the reality was that i'd been set aside for some other girl.

For days, I couldn't eat. I barely slept. I tried waiting up for him, listened for his car to pull into the drive way, waited for my phone to ring, but nothing happened. As the days progressed, I grew worse and worse. My friend demanded that I come stay with her until things were worked out. So I packed all of my things and stuck them in my car. The room where we slept looked baren. The bed had only a folded up blanket at the end. The TV stand was missing a TV and all of my DVD's. It looked like no one lived there.

I got in the car with my friend and she drove me away. That night I had a fun-filled night of bowling and hangin out with my friend and her boyfriend. But it was all pretend for me. The smile on my face was just an upside down frown. I laughed only to keep myself from crying my eyes out. The next day, I helped the cops. It was the first work I had done in what seemed like forever. But that's a story for another day....

Step back from the ledge,
dont leave me to mine,
ankered to my heart is a string,
follow it to the darkest parts of your soul,
find inside an inscription,

To hold and be held,
to love and be loved,
search for these words,
for you will only find
scared, scarred, and scattered,

I will hold you and love you,
If only you would let me,
I beg pleadN' you,
please dont jump,
come back to me,

Dont wrench my heart out,
for where you go it must follow,
the tie can't be severed; wont be broken,
dont jump,
come back to me,

Chase these nightmares away,
these feelings of loss and helplessness,
show me how to care,
show me how to dream,

I can show you how to see,
how to feel and touch,
step back form the noose,
dry these silent tears,
you've stolen my breathe away,
now fill my lungs with hope,

Come back to me,
chain your heart to mine,
the key forever I promise to keep,
dont fall away,
come back to me,
still the voice that has no meaning,

Why've you hidden urself,
installed is a pale relection of what you were,
dont fall away,
come back to me,
let me help you,
your weakness is my strength,

You fight but refuse to stand,
I stand but can't and wont fight,
open your fists,
take my hand,
stand and fight the wake,
let the man you are learn from the boy you were

Tramp? The night before I had never even had sex let alone thought about having it. It was a bit ironic how i'd finally found someone that I trust enough to let them touch me and all of a sudden i'm a tramp in my father's eyes. Yah.... so what if I didn't tell my father that I had really stayed the night at my boyfriends house. The fact that he thought that I was sleeping around was even to tell me that after eighteen years he still didn't know anything about his own daughter. I guess some of thats me to blame. I had been lying to both of my parents. It's not their fault their daughters had become a master at deception. After all the lies i'd told them, how could they know the difference between the real me and the shadow part of me that I showed everyone else? Looking back, I don't think even I could tell the difference.

One thing about me hasn't changed over the years. I have always made it known that I don't like to be touched. EVER! My own mother has probably been reduced to tears a couple of times because I had refused to let her hug me or kiss me on the cheek, even to let her hold my hand. I had always been like this. ALWAYS! It wasn't just a child growing up thing. No, I'd never liked the feeling of people touching me. It's just that, to me, their touches seem to linger. I can still feel their fingers sliding across my skin, the tingling of their lips pressed to my cheek or their body crushing mine but there's no one there; it's like a ghost. I can feel it. I just can't see it. This feeling got worse after I was repeatedly sexually assaulted by my grandfather.

Every mother's worst nightmare is to know that they're daughter could be hurt at any waking moment by some sick perverted asshole. What hurts even more is to see their daughter hurt and be unable to stop that hurt or to explain to their daughter why someone picked them to hurt or why someone would want to hurt someone in that manner.

I was about 12 or 13 years old when I was first assaulted. Computers where a new concept to me and I thought I knew it all. While I explored the Internet, looking for new exciting games to play, my grandfather said something about taking a shower and being right back. I couldn't have cared less. I was too enticed by the game I was playing to pay attention to some old guy.

Minutes later, I heard the shower turn off and the bathroom door open. My grandfather walked in behind me wearing nothing but a pair of blue jeans. My eyes where still glued to the screen when he said he had something he wanted to show me. So I turned around.

At first I didn't see what the big deal was. To me it just looked like my grandfather was standing, looking straight back at me. Then he jiggled his hand and I looked to see that he was caressing his penis He continued to tell me how he'd shaved his balls and wanted me to comment on how it looked. I, of course, was stunned. I had never even seen a penis before, but I got that gut feeling that I need to leave and leave immediately.

I stood up calmly and said it was time that I got home. My parents were probably wondering where I was and I should go make sure they knew I was ok. I started to walk toward the front door but he was between me and the door, so I hesitated. He hollered for me to hold on a moment. He wanted me to touch his penis to feel how smooth it was before I left.

I paniced. I tried to squeeze by him and run for the door but he grabbed my arm. I tried to yank it away from him but his grip was too firm and he overpowered me pulling me closer as I screamed and cried for him to let go. Still holding me by my arm, he forced my hand down his pants to lower parts. I closed my hand into a fist, which he tried to open. He told me that if  just touch it that he would let me go. So I grasped it in my hand and he replied that no one is to know about this OR ELSE. After I nodded my head, he let go. I went to the door, walked down the steps and ran the whole block home. I ran up the steps and locked the door behind me.

Things continued to happen like that. I remember thinking that that wasn't my grandfather. He didn't mean to do those bad things. Besides, I couldn't tell my parents. They wouldn't believe me. And if they did believe me, it would rip my family apart. He'd get better. I was wrong. At least every time I went back up there he'd have something for me. He'd want nude pics of me or he'd try to grab at me in the car or at the house. My first hand job was on my grandfather. First time seeing porn was with my grandfather. He's way for compensating everything he'd done was to pay me in cash. Maybe I was a wore.

I was scared, scarred and scattered by the time I had my 1st period. I became afraid that he'd try other things. So I quit going anywhere near him. It was such an easy solution. So easy that it hurt me that I had been so stupid not to think of it before. I'd ruined my life by the time I was in middle school. I had a great boyfriend. We had been friends since he first moved to my school. He was nice, sweet, cute and he just knew how to make me laugh, but as I said I was scarred. He deserved better than me, and I was angry at the world. It wasn't right to shut him out the way I did. I broke it off, telling him that I missed him being my friend and I need for him to be just my friend. But I'd hurt him, and we quit talking and hanging out.

It wasn't till my freshman year that we became close friends again. I was going through my phone and I spotted he's number. It was on my way to a track meet that I texted him and instantly we started all over again. That summer I became a lifeguard. He came to the pool one day and asked me out. God knows I wanted to say yes, but we weren't ready. I wasn't ready. I still hadn't let go of the wrong done to me. He moved away. I'd lost my friend again.

The next summer, I was a lifeguard again. That year I lost about 20lbs because I thought I was fat. I refused to eat anything. My mom had to come to the pool almost everyday and take me to the Frosty ( a ice creme parlor) and buy me a cheeseburger and fries. To make sure that I at least eat something once a day, this became a daily routine. Sometime during that summer, my best friend came home. I was in my room and I had just got up (sleeping past noon was also apart of my daily routine) when I heard my mom hollar that one of my friends were here.

And there he was. My best friend was standing on my porch waiting for me. I must of had the biggest smile on my face because my mom just shook her head and went back to folding laundry. He'd brought a friend with him. A girl friend, one that I could only assume was THE girlfriend. Somehow, that didn't bother me. I had my friend back. He had moved to a town 45 minutes away from where I lived but hell that was a lot closer than the 5,000 miles away that he had been. We could talk again or at least when I got my phone turned back on, a task that moved to the top of my priority list.

My senior year in high school, he moved in with one of his best friends and went back to my school. We hung out more than we use to. I loved it, but half way through the 1st trimester he went back to live with his parents. We talked constantly for a long time then around christmas he quit talking. He had another girlfriend and I felt like I was lead on. It hurt but it was through that hurt that I realized that I loved him. I really really loved him but we became strangers. 

My school work started to look poorly done. I skipped classes. I stayed up all night. With the school year ending, I became stressed out. I began staying the night with my childhood friend and together we would  party. It was during one of these parties that I meet Aashtan. Everyone wanted to have a orgy. I shunned my sexuality like always, instantly making me the outsider. Aashtan quit partying to comfort me. We instantly hit it off.

We hung out a couple of times and then we just became a couple. Hanging out during the week, partying on the weekends. He was everything. Sweet, caring, genuine.... he had a job, he's own apartment, he's own car, he was 4 years older than me..... He also had already had a kid, been married and divorced.

Don't get me wrong. It did bother me that he had had a kid with some other woman, who just so happened to be a bitch. He's daughter I love, He's ex-wife I could kill. We had been dating for about a month when she decided that she was going to move back with her parents in Colorado. By doing this, Aashtan would never see his daughter, and the only way to see her was to move with them. And that's how it ended.

I was hurt again and I was vulnerable when I started dating one of my friends best friend. I instantly knew that I could never love him. He fun to be around and he was an ok kisser but there wasn't anything there. Just when I felt like there was something there, He cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend. I didn't think it would hurt and it didn't for a while. It wasn't till after the numbness faded. I became sad, then angry, then pissed off. Soon after I learned that the day after my he cheated on me, his ex cheated on him. 

What comes around, goes around. I had never felt so happy to see someone else hurt.

To be continued.....

Starting a new life isn't all as easy as i thought it would be... So much has happened that im not sure where i should start. I'm not sure if you've ever experienced having been kicked from the place you've called home for over 17 years, but i think thats where i'll begin.

The day of my graduation, i skipped out on my friends' graduation parties to go hanging out with my best friend. I drove almost an hour away from home to find a friend i'd been missing since he'd moved away the summer before. All afternoon we drove around and just hung out like old times. He'd tell me his problems and I'd listen and try to give some advice that he hadn't thought of before. Finally, we got tired and drove back to he's house where we watched tv. It was getting late so i decided it was probably best to leave when he asked me if i would stay with him. That was the first night i'd ever slept with another guy. Nothing happened, but something did happen between us. We were still friends like always but that night i think we realized that we could be more than just best friends.

For a while it wasn't meant to be... He still loved he's ex-girlfriend even though he wouldn't admit it to me or anyone else. It was obvious. You could hear the longing in his voice, even when he called her obscene words. Even if we couldn't be and he didn't love me, he was still my friend. I would have been he's friend no matter what he decided, and i was. After a couple of nights at he's house, he txt me and told me that he was going to give he's ex-girlfriend another chance.

It didn't hurt at first. It wasn't like someone had punched me in the stomach and had winded me. It was more like i had a hole in me that was sucking me inside out, spreading the numbness as it went. He's words, "I'm sorry", shattered that numbness. Yes, i did cry, but it wasn't because he had lead me on and had choosen some other girl over me... well for the most part it wasn't. All I kept thinking was I had just lost my friend, a friend I had had for over six years, the only friend i felt safe talking to.  

To be continued.....

Caged in flesh and bone,
Starved is the angry beast,
Water, it's only replenishment,
Air, it's only nurishment,
It looks for other sustance,
Something to fill the fire's pit,
to enrapture the mind,
to enthrall the body,
and tingle the senses,
You should know it as hunger,
I know it as pleasure,
it's teasing the weak,
Licking it's lips, a play of tongue,
Lolling it's head back in antisipation,
Waiting for a response,
a carese of the hand,
or a kiss from the innocent,
Open yourself to it,
Let it spill all around you,
Drown yourself in it,
If only for the moment....

Time is growing short, Real short. Days are going by in a blink of an eye and sometimes I wish they would just slow down. In less than a week, I'll be done with high school. No more classes, no more waking up at 6 to get ready for school, no more worrying about homework i refused to do the night before, no more preps or jocks, no more geeks or nerds, or just the kids in between and no longer the child but an adult. I wish I could say no more drama but I have a feeling that that will be waiting for me on the outside as well.Through all the choas, I find that the closer it comes to the end, the calmer I seem to grow. It's weird. I thought i would be panicing and stressing out to the very end.

Things are really starting to come together. I've made the choice to take a year off from school. I love school and I love to learn new, exciting things but I'm so sick of school that I've lost that desire to learn. So im taking some time off to refocus on my goals. I know I want to go to college and I will. I plan on becoming a nurse someday. I like helping people and I hate seeing people hurt. I want to help fix them and if somehow I can't fix them then I at least want to be able to say that I did everything in my power to make their live somewhat easier/better.

This summer I know exactly what I want to do! I'm going back to the pool for one more year! I love it there. Sure sometimes it's a pain in the rear to have to put up with the kids/parents of the kids but I love the job! well got to go to class.... more later!